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·舟山詩詞·淘海洗玉集 – My Poems, and etc.

Jokes in Court

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These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. (选自一本名为《美国法庭怪谈》的书,所述皆为真人真事,由忍辱负重的法庭书记官记录并出版。)


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? (律师:这种重症肌无力的病,是否影响到了你的记忆力?)
A: Yes. (证人:是。)
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? (律师:那么它是咋影响的?)
A: I forget. (证人:我忘记了。)
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? (律师:你忘记了?能否给出一个你忘记了的证据?)

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? (律师:那么医生,是不是当一个人在睡梦中死去,他直到第二天早上都不知道这件事?)
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? (证人:你真的有通过司法考试?)

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? (律师:那个小儿子,二十岁那个,他多大年纪了?)
A: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.(证人:他二十了,跟你智商一样。。)

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? (律师:你拍照那会儿你有在么?)
A: Are you shitting me? (证人:你耍我?你放什么屁?)

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? (律师:那么你怀上孩子那天是八月八号?)
A: Yes. (证人:是。)
Q: And what were you doing at that time? (律师:那会儿你在干嘛呢?)
A: getting laid … (证人:做爱做的事。)

Q: She had three children, right? (律师:她有三个孩子,没错吧?)
A: Yes. (证人:对。)
Q: How many were boys? (律师:有几个男的?)
A: None. (证人:没有。)
Q: Were there any girls? (律师:那女的呢?)
A: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? (证人:法官大人,我想我得换个律师。我能要个新律师么?)

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? (律师:你第一次婚姻咋结束的?)
A: By death. (证人:我家那口子死了。)
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? (律师:你指誰死了?)
A: Take a guess. (证人:你猜猜看。)

Q: Can you describe the individual? (律师:你咋形容那个人?)
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. (证人:他中等身材,留胡子。)
Q: Was this a male or a female? (律师:那是男的女的?)
A: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. (证人:除非马戏团在镇上,不然我都跟一男的在一起。按:据说马戏团里的女小丑是戴假胡子的。)

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? (律师:你今早在此出现是否表示你已发誓遵守我递交给你律师的誓词?)
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. (证人:不是,这就是我平常工作的便服。按:证人估计理解为“你今天这打扮是否按照我给你律师提的要求?”)

Q: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? (律师:医生,你在死人身上验尸多少次了?)
A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. (证人:都是死的。要是活的我还得先干掉他們,再解剖。)

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? – What school did you go to? (律师:你所有的回答都必须是“口头”的,明白嗎?──你上的哪所学校?)
A: Oral. (证人:“口头”)

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? (律师:你记得验尸的时间么?)
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. (证人:尸检开始于晚上八点半。)
Q: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? (律师:那么那时候登頓先生已经死了吧?)
A: If not, he was by the time I finished. (证人:要是没死,我解剖完毕他也该死了。)

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? (律师:你是否有资格提供一份尿样?)
A: Are you qualified to ask that question? (证人:你是否有资格问这个问题?)

And the best for last:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? (律师:医生,你解剖尸体之前,有测过脉搏没有?)
A: No. (证人:没有。)
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? (律师:量过血压没有?)
A: No. (证人:没有。)
Q: Did you check for breathing? (律师:检查过呼吸没有?)
A: No. (证人:没有。)
Q: So, then it is possible th at the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? (律师:那么,是否有可能,在你解剖尸体的时候,病人还活着?)
A: No. (证人:没有。)
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? (律师:你咋就这么肯定呢,医生?)
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. (证人:因为那会儿他脑袋在我桌子上的瓶子里。)
Q: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? (律师:我知道,但是,虽然如此,那病人是否有可能还活着?)
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. (证人:有。有可能他还活着,并且在吃法律饭当律师。)

Written by Boathill

2009-10-01 at 20:46

Posted in humor

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